courage

F*@K CINDERELLA

While riding home from the movie theater last night I began to well up thinking about my current relationship situation. What triggered these not so heartwarming emotions was that prior to the start of the main attraction at the theater I was watching a trailer for Disney’s “87th” remake of Cinderella. My movie date turned to me and said, “Damn, how many times are they going to remake that movie?” I replied, for as long as girls believe in fairytales.”
So, back to my car ride home. What I began to remember was that, not too many years ago, I had posted on my online dating website profile a striking photo of myself. In it I was wearing a blinged out tiara and captioned it something Cinderella would say, “I want a man to sweep me off my feet.”

After the movie why was I at home with packing tape, tears and wine, boxing up my life “starting over again”? Clearly not a woman who was swept off her feet.
With much consideration, my car ride home became an epiphany. I fondly refer to this phenomenon that I had experienced as the princess syndrome. In other words, grown women prancing through life waiting for Prince Charming to make it “All Good”.
The reality is the story is B.S. in its essence. The “fairytale” or better yet “fantasy” sets up a faulty arrangement from the onset. All you have to be is pretty, sweet and gracious and a man will come along and rescue you?
If it were only that simple.
Has anyone ever considered that with the epidemic of fatherless daughters, how in the world would a woman even know what chivalrous treatment is supposed to look like if Prince Charming rode up on a horse or a Porsche, or a beat up Buick?
These idealistic girls who grow into women, have no real example of how to be treated or how to treat a man. For the most part they are clueless, beyond looking attractive, as to what constitutes qualities of a sustainable relationship between a man and a woman. What is to be expected of them and what to expect in a relationship is a mystery. By proclaiming, “I want a man to sweep me off my feet” when they have no realistic, tangible definition of what that looks like is a recipe for disaster.
The love of a father is a girl’s first true love from a man. That provides a standard and the embodiment of how to be treated. If you’ve never had a man love you unconditionally how could you possibly be equipped to know that what you are receiving is whole, complete and right for you? Therefore most “daddy’s girls” have a definitive roadmap, a watermark that they can point to and know with certainty “here is a standard that I don’t want my mate to fall below.”

Some women today discount the unique distinctions between men and women because so many times they have gone without. But those distinctions are real and have to be acknowledged for any real bonding and understanding to occur.

Conversely, a fatherless boy who grows into a man who lacks direction because he’s been deprived of any meaningful examples of how to love a woman, has no idea how to treat his princess and she don’t know what its supposed to look like either resulting in two lost souls, craving the unattainable, confused and disappointed in each other. Ultimately, there is no glass slipper, only razor sharp broken shards of glass scattered across the floor.
So Cinderella can take her sparkly slippers, ball gown, and horse drawn carriage and shove it, that broad lied.
TIARRA

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The Journey: Sometimes falling is necessary

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The roadmap of my life has a lot of unincorporated areas where nothing is mapped out yet. Just this past week I was forced to make a detour and I wound up at the proverbial fork in the road…..I’m wondering if I should use a checklist, call my pastor, my mother, Ghostbusters, anyone who can help. There are, as always, my instincts, which are readily available (and at times, unreliable).
Since I’m “Escaping From My Comfort Zone” I can’t possibly do what I’ve done in the past. I’ve got to be bold, take risks and step out on faith. I must make firm decisions and not “go with the flow” following along with people in my life who I’ve allowed to set the agenda for me.
I started writing this blog three weeks ago, stepped away from it because I was so incredibly conflicted about what to do and regrettably, had a setback. I oozed into my quasi-comfort zone and it was an utter and complete disaster. From the moment I ventured into it, I was unhappy, disappointed, regretful and uninspired.
Now I’m shoveling manure all around me trying to dig myself out of this hellhole.
Have you ever had a setback? Have you ever been in a situation where you made a decision that you wished you hadn’t?
The reasons that we make decisions that we are soon to regret is because our comfort zone has the ability to reshape itself. It’s like an ever expanding cape that becomes the size that it needs to become in order to try and cover the growing fear that we often manifest.
That is what happened to me. My fear grew larger than I had anticipated and, as a result, I darted back down one of the dark side streets of short sightedness.
I stumbled.
But, brushing myself off, I arose again. And, just like the mythical Phoenix rising from the ashes, I overcame and now I’m so excited that….in my next blog I’ll tell you why.

Is There Room For Individuality Within a Relationship?

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“When I was a dedicated married woman my wedding ring seemed to have the completely unintentional mechanical properties of a high powered industrial man magnet.”

-The above quote is another except from my soon to be published book

Is There Room For Individuality Within a Relationship?

Is it selfish to hold back a part of who you are in order to appease the other person in a relationship? This might sound like an absolutely absurd proposition, but it is, in reality, something that we all do everyday.

When it comes down to “keeping it real” in a relationship we all play the delicate balance game. At first we filter the person who we know ourselves to be from being the person we want our mate to know us to be. This is called the infamous “honeymoon stage”.

And this is not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about when you intentionally “dumb” yourself down in order to appease a mate who is extremely sensitive about their lack of exposure. I’m talking about being the type of person who is eternally optimistic but suppresses that reflex because their mate is eternally pessimistic. I’m talking about when you forego your dreams and aspirations in order for your partner to feel better about their complete lack of them.

How long can you keep wearing that mask before something breaks…..and it’s usually you!)

Being real in a relationship shouldn’t mean that you have to wrestle the other person to the point of their submission just so that you can be your genuine self. Yes, strong personalities often prevail, and that’s fine. But when that personality becomes the 500 lb gorilla in the room (and we all know that a 500 lb gorilla needs to be fed…all the time) to maintain your healthy relationship you have now become a professional at how to keep the beast fed and happy.

And you lose yourself.

When one person’s agenda becomes the sole focal point of a relationship it ceases to become one. In other words, when a relationship morphs into a bully pulpit it can only be maintained if one person surrenders while the other one conquers.

There is a special type of person that can maintain this type of relationship: delusional.  If you have to silence who you are to stay “connected” to someone then, well, good luck with that.

(And take lots of aspirin.)

If finding your voice in a relationship causes you to self-medicate, then maybe you should re-think your plan of action.

Do You Believe or KNOW You Can Do It?

Go to WordPress to read my full blog for this week-Here it is: All of the stories you are about to read are real. None of them have been altered or enhanced because reality, in this case, is much greater and far funnier than fiction. I have changed some of the names to protect the identities of the foolish, the lame, the weak, the brave, the strong and the downright sorry. The only name that I haven’t changed is mine.

I hope you enjoy.

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The above text is another snippet from my unpublished book. When I reflect on my previous posts here on WordPress and how I woke up one day; a day that I thought would be like any other day a did something different, I am filled with joy and validation. One simple act, that has redirected my course.  Something inside of me prompted me  to write the blog “Escape From Your Comfort Zone”.  I thought about the amount of vulnerability one must possess to expose themselves to the world, so to speak.  Various thoughts germinated in my mind, like “No one knows me, why will they care about my story?” and “You’re not saying anything that everyone hasn’t already heard before.”  One might also ask why I would feel validated when it was just 1 blog. I mean, there are tons of people out there blogging about everything from their children to cats to reality stars. (And many have rather large followings) By the way, I am on my way to having a large following. I say that with boldness because I know that I am capable. I have underutilized and undervalued most of my talent and strengths, until now. It isn’t necessary for a large following in order to establish credibility-although this society does base legitimacy on such notions. Simply put- I have created personal and professional goals for myself and a sizable audience happens to be one of them. Either one of two things happens when a bold decision is made, you allow chatter in your mind to talk you out of your decision and you retreat or you build confidence. I want my story (the flattering, the painful, the cowardly and courageous, the outrageously funny, the inspirational, the larger than life) to be heard by many, so that in some way it will help others to take their rightful place in the sunshine. It feels good out here. It’s my turn and I’m taking it.

Have You Escaped From Your Comfort Zone Yet?

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Get me outta here! As I was feverishly, yet securely being snapped into a worn, leathery/canvass-like harness in the lush hillside of the Dominican Republic by some local natives, I was thinking, “Yikes, I am frickin terrified”, while simultaneously saying, “This is so incredibly amazing!” I was firmly thrust from the narrow raised wooden perch clipped to a thick wire, I then quickly acknowledged to myself that the extreme oppositional emotions I was experiencing were actually coming from the same place. I nearly crashed into the platform upon my first landing. Hey, I just needed a practice run to get the hang of it!  I proceeded to zipline through a total of 11 lines, having one of the most memorable and thrilling days of my entire life. The motivation that led to the outcome was the payoff! There was something inside of me that assured me that ziplining would be a phenomenal experience, one I would regret missing. And although fear was present, I wasn’t overtaken by it, thus I overcame it!

Thrilling doesn’t begin to describe my experience, but back to the fear. Let’s explore that for a moment. Sometimes we find it comforting to remain in a lull, a place of predictability and sameness. Kinda like a perpetual womb. THE most secure place we’ll ever know in our entire lives. But, even from the womb, we are thrust out when the time comes. That natural cue from the universe is that we should spend our lives progressing, improving and evolving by continuously thrusting ourselves forward.

What are you doing to exit the womb? How are you challenging yourself to prosper and progress? What are you comfortable with, but can do without to be more successful, more at peace? Look up comfortable and complacent in the dictionary and be sure you know and understand the difference. Don’t be so comfortable and stagnant, that you are numb to the idea of change.

Get out on that platform, by yourself and go.

Until next time.

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